My Insanity

Hello Blogging world. I know that I haven’t posted in a while, I just haven’t had the space to. However, I felt like sharing tonight. I wrote this spoken word poem earlier this year about my anxiety because it was … Continue reading

I May not be like Elsa but I sure am like Anna….

I know by now you all have heard about the Disney’s, Frozen. This movie has captivated both my heart, my inner child, and my soul. If you haven’t seen I suggest that you do! It is a fantastic movie and connected to me in so many ways.

Anyway what do I have to do with a princess you may ask???? Who do I think I am comparing myself to Anna?? Am I crazy? Well, yes but that’s a different blog post and for another time:)

Well, like I said, I might not be like Elsa, but I definitely relate most with Anna. Her spunk and imagination reminded me of how I used to be when I was younger… The good and the bad. Mostly when i woke my sisters up in the morning by jumping on their beds, much to their annoyance. 🙂 She also relates to me in my present life. Her dreamy attitude is exactly like me in my love life… which, being nonexistent, is mostly me fawning over guys. Remind you of anyone????

This is me all of the time… in my head.

This is me all of the time… in my head.

Oh boy shouldn’t Anna have seen it coming???…. Except she doesn’t, which is a lot like me… I always dive headfirst into what I like to call Dreamworld. But not just with guys, with about pretty much everything. Much like Anna’s relationship with Hans, I go right into thinking  “OMG this guy likes me ,and now were going to date, then we will go to prom and were gonna dance, oh and then he will propose, then get married, then travel ect.”  You get the picture so I’ll save you the countless upon countless stories of my sad and nonexistent love life.

Anyway, back to the point. I think all of us have a bit of Anna somewhere. All of us, sometimes in our twenties and sometimes in our teens have a hard time navigating our way through love or life for that matter. We all start out curious and excited, but at some point we get disappointed… hopefully not as bad as Anna did…

Douchebag alert

Douchebag alert!!

Ouch… I think I am still in shock at the magnitude of douchebaginess that is Hans. Han’s betrayal for Anna was, at least to me, is that splat moment in a relationship or crush. All of the sudden you wake up out of the dream state and are hit with all the lies you had been telling yourself. You realized that “Oh I kind of let my feelings get away with me there… hehehe” Anna had been completely oblivious to the lies Hans had been telling her, and then BANG! They all slammed her right in the face! This doesn’t only happen in love. For me I think it happened when I realized that I still needed help dealing with my sisters passing. Sure I thought I was over it and passed it, but finally coming to the realization last year scared the heck out of me.

Oh what do you know, I still have things unsolved…..

Oh what do you know, I still have things unsolved…..

Can you imagine?? I’ve been living my life totally oblivious that I still have issues to deal with??? “Wait what, slow down…” As you can imagine I went into a state of shock, then went into crisis mode and kept saying to myself,” Oh maybe when this hectic week of school is over then I will get help”…

Let's just put it off until a better more convenient time….

Let’s just put it off until a better and more convenient time….

Which never ends up happening. Tadaaa! Thankfully my amazing older sister was the one who made me realize I needed help in the first place! Go Sis!  But as much as I really and truly appreciated that, like Olaf I couldn’t deal…. So, here I am giving you all of these Frozen references for how I relate to Anna and yes even Olaf, and you wanna know something??? I haven’t gotten help yet….

I know I know… I give you all these great analogies and tell you that I realized I need help, and you think, “So you got the help you needed and everything is in tip top shape again??

Not really, but its’ a constant journey. No I haven’t gone back to counseling, but talking with friends and family has strengthened me. I feel more confident in myself. And just so you know, once this semester of school is over I am making it a priority to go back to counseling. I had a great talk with my mom and she helped me to realize that it’s ok that I haven’t gone back yet.

For right now I can just accept that I am broken and accept that I need help. What I have learned is that there is beauty in that. There is beauty in your hurt, your vulnerabilities, and your sorrow. Out of sorrow springs love. This kind of love no man can give me. A love for myself. Loving every inch of my body, loving all my faults, and even my dark and dirty secrets I never speak of. This love has been just about the best healing for myself right now. I am still learning and some days it isn’t easy. Just one step at a time. One step in the right direction and the load will lessen.

 

Do you think your most like Anna, Elsa or both? How have you dealt with some of your disappointment? Did you ever have any embarrassing moments with men? Do you struggle loving yourself? How do you get to a place where you fully love yourself?