I know it hadn’t written in a very long time…. It just never was a good time. At this very moment… It is perfect. I have probably needed to write for a while I just have been putting it off more and more…
You see writing for me is therapy in a way my counseling isn’t and can’t be. Writing helps me release what I sometimes can’t express to my counselor. Oh yeah I am still in counseling! I probably already mentioned that in my last post, but I thought I would remind you guys in case you forgot 🙂
Anyway these past few weeks have been very emotionally draining. With counseling going on and so many people dying lately.. It’s just hard. Not to mention in counseling we have been working through seven different emotions. Last week we dealt with hopelessness.. That was draining.. This week the emotion that came up was grief…. The instant thought in my head was.. ” Oh crap this is gonna take a while..”
I’ve been bombarded with working through all kinds of emotions, forgiving myself, family, God, and receiving his forgiveness.. Having to do all of this is quite helpful but is mentally and emotionally taxing. And I’m going once a week..
I just feel so done.. Not with counseling, but with having to deal with my mess that the shooting has created. To be honest I just want to patch this whole thing up and leave it alone. This won’t solve anything though. All it will so is send me right back to where I was before I got back into counseling. Digging myself into that out of pain, and grief, and depression.
Let me take you into a bit if this mess..
This mess inside me has caused so much pain, grief, hopelessness, depression, low self esteem, and fear.
No one has any idea how miserable it is to love with the memory that your sisters are gone. They won’t be there to talk to about typical drama. They won’t see you get married…
Having to see my sisters murdered in front of my very eyes is something I will never be able to forget.. This mess inside of me is constantly yelling at to let it win. To let it just burry me deeper and deeper until it consumes my whole being.
How?? How can I accept that God didn’t stop my sisters from being murdered?? People only see me from the outside and think, ” man her relationship with God looks so good and so easy..” I have to try and accept that he didn’t stop it.. But no one wants to hear that. They want to hear all about how much better I’m doing and how I must be over it by now right?? Wrong! Something like this takes forever to really heal. I know that God loves me. I know that he keeps me in his heart. Does that make any of this change anything? Not really, but it makes the burden lighter to know that He is still with me.
There’s a song I stumbled upon tonight by Yael Naim. If you haven’t listened to some of her stuff you really need to! Her song is called “Far Far” there is one very poignant line that says.
“How can you stay outside? There’s a beautiful mess inside!”
The more I heard it, the more I realized, it’s been hard to accept the beauty in this mess inside of me. This journey that I’ve been on has been beautiful but my mess?? It’s still a mess to me. I think that will change in time but for now I have to love the journey. She has another line that that describes it much better.
“Take a deep breath and dive. There’s a beautiful mess inside”
For me right now I have to keep “diving” until I can find the beauty. And that isn’t such a bad thing. Like I said it’s a journey, and what’s a journey without getting a little lost 🙂 I am so great full to all of you who read my humble little blog and have supported me! I hope I can bring you insight into your world. Peace to all!